Why don’t ADHDers ask for help?
The Silent Struggle: Hyper-Independence and ADHD
How easy do you find it to ask for help? Or accept help when it is offered?! Come on, be honest! It’s a sad fact that many individuals with ADHD develop a strong sense of hyper-independence. Hey, I know how that goes - that used to be me too! This tendency, while appearing to be a strength, can actually become a significant barrier to our wellbeing and success in life. I used to be so proud of my independence, but in hindsight can see just how many times I got in my own way by refusing to ask for, or accept help. The truth is: many of us become hyper-independent as a response to past trauma or challenging experiences. So in this blog, we’ll explore some of the complex reasons behind this phenomenon, how it impacts those of us with ADHD brains and most important of all, what we can actually do about it.
Hyper-Independence Has Strong Roots…
Many ADHDers cultivate a habit of relying solely on themselves due to past experiences where we lacked support, or it was unreliable. This can happen in many areas, for example childhood experiences, difficult work environments or abusive relationships. The story becomes ‘Well, I only have myself to rely on’ or ‘There’s no point asking for help - other people only let me down.’ There’s often an internalised belief that seeking assistance is a sign of weakness or failure. I see this in many of my clients and can definitely see this in myself in the past! For some, cultural expectations and/or demanding work environments can exacerbate this belief and make it seem as if we have no choice. These stories and beliefs keep us in a vicious cycle where we don’t ask for help or notice when it’s being offered, as we don’t believe anyone is ever available to help us in the first place.
But, Hyper-Independence Is Not a Strength…
Modern life, especially for entrepreneurs or those in non-neuroaffirming workplaces, can sadly exacerbate these feelings of isolation. This keeps us stuck in that vicious cycle, where the need for help is even harder to acknowledge. The ADHD business owners I work with are often juggling an eye-watering armount of tasks and responsibilities, making it difficult to even notice when they're overwhelmed and need support. Many are also managing additional challenges such as chronic illnesses or disabilities. Firefighting and ‘just making it through the day’ become a semi-permanent state. When my clients reel off all the balls they’re attempting to juggle, I find myself saying ‘Wow, that sounds like a lot’ and it’s often that moment of validation that allows them to realise this is true!
As they move closer and closer to burnout, there's also a sense of shame and discomfort around admitting the need for help, especially for seemingly simple tasks like cleaning or cooking. Decision fatigue can also make it hard to know where to turn, even when it becomes clear help is needed.
And You Can Break the Cycle
There is another way to do life - and business! You can being to gently notice this tendency within yourself and unlearn those unhelpful patterns. It will be uncomfortable and it will take practice, but I promise it will be worth it in the long run. We weren’t mean to live, work or raise children alone, so recognising and addressing hyper-independence is crucial for ADHDers. Here are some areas you can work on that will help you to break the cycle:
Noticing and getting curious about your negative beliefs around seeking help
Building a supportive network of friends, family and business connections (I recommend finding yourself a business bestie that just ‘gets it’!)
Learning how to delegate tasks and prioritise in a way that works with your brain, rather than against it
Seeking professional support to manage ADHD symptoms and related challenges - ADHD-informed therapy is amazing (I’ve done that and highly recommend it!). Obviously ADHD-informed coaching is amazing too - but I’m biased! I’ve had a lot of ADHD-informed coaching, plus I practice it.
Learning to recognise when you are becoming overwhelmed and tune into your signs of impending burnout
By acknowledging where your hyper-independence tendency has its roots and actively working to break the cycle, you can create more ease, space and support in all areas of your life and business.
Want to dive deeper?
Check out my podcast episode for more insights and actionable steps.